Call Me a Prude...

Dear Amy: I have found the love of my life! He is amazing and wonderful. We are only 21 years old and don't plan on marrying until we graduate from college. It will probably be three or more years until we marry.

The thing is, I'm Catholic and promised myself I wouldn't have sex until marriage, but I really want to share that experience with my boyfriend.

I feel so conflicted. I know I should feel that God wants me to wait and that I should follow this rule without complaint. It is just hard because sex is so prevalent.

My boyfriend has been great and says he can wait, but sometimes we both have a weak moment and have come close.

I don't know what to do.

—Conflicted Catholic

Dear Confused: You need to be true to your values. You could explore this further by talking to a member of the clergy, who could clarify your spiritual teachings.

You must also think about birth control. Educate yourself by visiting your campus health center. (Your church also has a point of view about birth control—so that is another tough choice for you to make.)

Sex is a bell you cannot un-ring. If you are unsure, then you should delay until you are. Please, do not have sex because of a "weak moment" and then rationalize—or perhaps regret—it later.

As you mature, you will need to embrace the idea that you can't always know what God has in mind for you; God's plan is most often revealed in retrospect, when you look back at your choices and their consequences.

Oh, barf me a river. Why is it that I always feel the need to reiterate what seems so blindingly obvious? Sex is sex, people. Sometimes it's good sex, and sometimes it's meaningful (there is a difference, just so you know), and sometimes it's... not. Who knows. You try to choose a promising partner, you practice safe sex, but there's no guarantee either way and there's really nothing you can do about it. That's not what "Confused" is confused about, but it bugs me that it isn't. People that have never had sex forget that there isn't anything in the ABSENCE of sex that is inherently meaningful, unless, of course, you think your abstinence is going to win you favor in the eyes of God. Or something like that.

What can we say about this? Why would God want us to remain virgins? In Biblical times, it made sense: you live in a desert, for one; there aren't many resources available to you and it helps, politically and economically, to make sure that your kids are taken care of before you go around doing the things that create said kids. There were no condoms (actually, I've heard stories, but I won't repeat them here). Oh, and women were property. There's that issue.

But say those things aren't problems anymore; what now? I addressed this in my proof "Why It Doesn't Matter if There's a God: A Hedonistic Approach to Life," which I won't relay here, but it will suffice to say that I am not convinced that a good god would not create us, give us desires, and then condemn us to hell for acting on them (and if he did, he's not a very good god, so screw him). So we're left with two, maybe three possibilities regarding God's view of our virginity: a) He doesn't care, have sex. b) He does care; he wants you to have sex as much as possible (why are you wasting time? And your youth?) or c) He does care; he wants to torment you as a test and see if you are really worthy of the kingdom of heaven (Hint: Jesus died for your sins, you Catholic, as long as you repent before you die you're golden!). So what "Confused" is really asking is if Amy has any insights on whether her God is a Good God or a Phony, and if maybe she shouldn't be getting it on while she waits for answer.

What I really think "Confused" wanted to hear was this: Do it! You're practically married already! God LOVES that!

And that's totally what Amy should have said. Because "Confused"'s problem isn't that she ISN'T ready; it's that she is, and, in fact, she's nearly comatose from the efforts to restrain herself.

But let's say she does wait. Maybe Amy's right, maybe you really can't tell what God's plan is until it's all over and done with already (this should be a red flag; anyone talked to Fodor lately?). In which case, say you wait for three miserable years to marry this person and then you find out the sex sucks. If you're Catholic enough to wait till marriage, you're Catholic enough to not believe in divorce, and have I got news for you: God's message is going to come out something akin to "I told you to take him for a test-drive, and you didn't listen. Suck it!"