My Boyfriend's Dog Hates Me!

Heh. I have looong been a fan of advice columns, but lately I'm feeling the need for something with a little more edge. For one, the topics are getting repetitious and boring. It seems America is obsessed with wedding etiquette, and this just has to be the most boring advice topic EVER. It's one day, people, get over it. Who cares if they don't want your kids at the wedding? Who cares if she picked out the most butt-ugly bridesmaid dress in the entire universe? Who cares if she didn't invite your distant great-uncle's boyfriend's grandson's cousin? ONE DAY. You'll survive.

Or, the advice is so ridiculously specific as to be completely useless. Like the woman who wrote into Dear Abby: hey, my boyfriend's dog hates me. He's always growling and trying to bite me, but my boyfriend just sits back and giggles. Does this sort of problem really require a letter to Dear Abby? Really? Because if my boyfriend had a dog that was trying to BITE ME and the boyfriend didn't care, we would be having what I call A Conversation.

It's hard to find any good sex-advice columns, either, and dear old Dan Savage only puts out once a week because he can totally get away with being lame like that. For all I care, Dan could just exist as a vague figment of my imagination, and I would still be in awe of his awesomeness. (Is that redundant?) But most sex columns will only publish "safe questions" like, why does it burn when I pee? which are far better answered by a doctor or even a quick google search. Who cares? I want real questions with real answers - no, I take that back - I want GOOD questions, INTERESTING questions with equally good and interesting answers. And I especially want to hear no more about cranky brides that won't have sex with the lights on.

I guess what I'm saying is that advice columns should be more like television, filled with riveting drama and glorious smack-downs. That would be fun! I would like that.