It'll Get You

And this is what happens when I write early, early in the morning.

Every advice column about relationships invariably begins with the questioner, usually female, attempting to persuade the giver of advice as to the genuine, deep feelings of goodness she has for her partner. "He's wonderful, kind, nice, sweet, caring, and really, really great!" she writes. "But he's also an alcoholic."

Every time. "But he... beats the children." "Sleeps with other women." "Is emotionally abusive."

This isn't the part I have a problem with, believe it or not; my problem is with the initial description. What exactly is "wonderful"? Can we be more specific?

"He's the only guy I've ever ever met who loves "Mork and Mindy" as much as I do! He loves it when I order sardines-and-pineapple pizza! And he makes hand puppets out of dirty socks! And for some reason I love this! But he's an alcoholic! Help!"

Exclamation points aside, at least my attention is piqued. She must really like this guy; let's push back our shirtsleeves and get to work.

Unfortunately, I don't think people are all that specific when it comes to choosing a mate. They're looking for that certain je ne sais quoi that tells them someone's special, and this thing, whatever it is, is apparently capable of overriding Good Sense.

My pet theory, the one I made up just now, is that what we normally call compatibility isn't finding that one special person who lets you eat with your toes so much as finding someone who can simply relate to you on your level. I'm just thinking back to a number of perfectly good relationships I've had with perfectly good people who were perfectly nice (and wonderful, and caring, and sweet, and great, and probably those really are the only words I could have thought of to describe them). I'd never quite let any of these people in on my private thoughts (not the "I hate how you leave your washcloth in the sink" thoughts, more like the "Do you know what I was... um... nevermind" thoughts) because I knew they would think I was crazy. Utterly insane. And I wasn't ready for that.

It's good to let the crazy out.

I'm not claiming to define the laws of attraction; we have other people to do that (remember: big eyes = infantile = good).

Come to think of it, letting the crazy out probably includes eating with your toes. Poor pet theory... she died so young.

October 10, 2008